Peter Pan

New & improved poster by me.

Peter Pan

WARNING - SPOILERS!

Synopsis - Beautiful adaptation of J.M. Barrie's book about a poor, lonely ship's captain and the annoying flying brat who makes life miserable for him. Ok, ok, it's about not wanting to get older and take on adult responsibilities. It's really Wendy's story. * I can't say enough good things about this film. Beautiful, charming, funny and moving. The dialogue was wonderful. A lot of it directly from the book. * It wasn't flawless, the CGI crocodile sucked pond water (or would that be ocean water?), some of the editing was very choppy, and the red filter made me want to scream, but it's a very enjoyable time and well-worth the price of admission. Several times. 

Released - Dec. 25, 2003 (U.S.)

Characters - Captain James Hook, or Jas, and Mr. George Darling

Accents - English (Received Pronunciation).

Good guy or bad boy? - Both. Hook is snotty, supercilious and pompous (I love him!). Did he chew up the scenery? Oh yeah. And came back for scenery dessert. * Hook is pretty much angry (or sad) all the time as well. You just want to hold his head to your chest and cuddle him. And stroke those long silky curls. Ok, maybe that's just me . . . * Mr. Darling is a shy, stuttering wimp. Quite pathetic really. You feel very sorry for him. You feel sorry for both of them in their own way.

Bastard rating - Hook - a 16. He has to rate higher than Tavington. Tavington kills women and children, but not fairies! Now *this* is madness! Mr. Darling - a 1. He's almost a total wuss, but we see him lose his temper *once* and rip off poor Nana's hat. <Boooooo, Hissssss> Great eye twitch though (George, not the dog).

Blood & Bullets - Sanitized for the kiddies. Hook likes to kill off his crew when he's the least bit irritated, but it's not Sam Peckinpah (or Event Horizon) or anything. One slightly bloody bullet hole. There are lots of pointy things in this film. Always a plus. Lots of sword fights. Loads of pirates. This movie should be rated "ARRRRRRRRRRR."

Costumes - Mr. Darling - in proper suits, a cardigan, and evening wear with top hat. Adorable striped jammies with a robe (with some of the same fabric as Hook's costume, I believe). Cute glasses. Hook - his costumes are incredibly beautiful. Jason's most amazing costumes ever. Rich colors. Elaborate embroidery. Fabrics to die for. Not that he had to . . . * The black ruffly shirt is my second favorite costume - my favorite being the leather harness and tight pants. We get to see an assortment of attachments for his bondage contraption. But I'm betting he has a very 'special' box of attachments under the bed as well. Very sexy boots. Hooded cloak. Yeow.

Pinky Ring? - Yes! A huge one with red stone for Jas. None for George.

Hair - Very short and proper for Mr. Darling. Gloriously long, dark and curly for Hook. Bouncin' and behavin' (or misbehavin') indeed. Very sexy goatee. And some really nice chest hair as well. Can't forget the chest hair. Never forget the chest hair.

Other cast - Jeremy Sumpter (the perfect Peter Pan), Rachel Hurd-Wood (absolutely charming), Lynn Redgrave (Hmmm, unnecesary in my opinion - there's a reason she wasn't in the book), Richard Briers (hilarious and cute), Olivia Williams (beautiful), Ludivine Sagnier (both annoying and cute), and all the Darling boys and the Lost Boys were excellent.

Squidge factor - Hook - 20! He broke the frelling scale (it's supposed to go to 10)! I'd take Jas. over Tavington and Lucius anytime. All right, minds out of the gutter! You know what I mean. But now that I think of it . . . * Hook is seduction in boots. The sexiest character yet. You've got the best hair, dude (at least in the cleaned up version - there is a scruffy version too). And speaking of scruffy Hook . . . he's *SHIRTLESS*! And hook-less as well (at least for a few seconds). He's got a sexy leather harness, a great big sparkly gold earring, high leather boots, kick-ass tattoos, long luxurious locks, an awesome goatee, sharp metal implements of torture, and he's a snappy dresser. Did we cover your fetish, everyone? I thought so. What more could a girl ask for? Ok, possibly another hand . . . but he makes very good use of the hand he has. He even plays the harpsichord! And sings! Jason has a lovely voice. And he said he sang like 'a cat with a hernia' in "The Last Minute" extras. If I actually knew what a cat with a hernia sounded like, I'm sure it wouldn't sound like this. * And the coffee report? Who gives a shit about coffee? I was too busy looking at his hair. And his chest. And the hair leading down to his navel (and beyond). And his arms. Lookin' pretty buff there, Jase. * In short - Hook makes my ovaries twitch. George - An 8 - which is still pretty darned high. The glasses are really cute. But he's so stuffy (almost said stiff, but I knew where that would go). You just wanna ruffle up his hair and pull off that starched collar (and fling it across the room). Not that I've thought about this much or anything . . . * He may be a lovely man, but anyone who has to practice small talk is a bit of a loser. I'm sorry, George, but at least glasses-wearing Ron Quincy had a laptop (and was really, really smart) . . .

Death - FUCKING CROCODILE!!!! If I had written the screenplay, Hook would have lived happily ever after with his Cabin Girl, wearing crocodile boots and crocodile belt, sitting on a crocodile-upholstered settee, wearing croc teeth on his crocodile hat band and feasting on crocodile stew. You get the picture. Mr. D survives though. And gives pony rides apparently. Hmmmmmmm, where do I sign up?

Favorites Quotes - Hook - "Didst thou ever want to be a pirate, my heartie?" * "Proud and insolent youth - prepare to meet thy doom." * "Like all surpise attacks - it must be conducted improperly." * "Come on. Fly to the rescue and then I'll shoot you right through your noble intentions." * "Silence, puny spawn!" * "Split my infinitives." * "Alas, I have no happy thoughts." * "I'll show you the road to dusty death . . ." * "You'll die alone and unloved . . . just like me." * "My new obsession is you." <thud> * "Oh evil day." * "He fed my hand to a crocodile. The Beast liked it so much it's followed me ever since, licking its lips for the rest of me. YOU CALL THAT A FAVOR?!!" <Ok, pretty much anything he says.> Mr. Darling - "Anyone for a ponyride?!" <-- Diane raises her hand

Video/DVD - Oh yeah.

 

The Last Minute

The Last Minute

WARNING - SPOILERS!

Synopsis - Well . . . I didn't hate it. It was weird, but about 100 times more visually appealing than "Hotel." And it at least tried to have a story. I wouldn't go so far as to say, 'plot,' but it made sense. At times. * I liked the whole idea behind the main character, Billy Byrne, being the "next big thing." They never tell you what he is - an artist, a musician, a graphic designer, an actor, a writer, a web guru. It's up to you to decide. * The whole point is that fame is fleeting. You're on top one minute and people are bored with you the next. Billy goes from king-of-the-hill to an Oliver Twist-ed drug-addicted member of a gang run by a Fagin-like character named Shanks. * Jason plays Percy, a very evil guy. He's got a scar that runs through his upper and lower lips. I guess to make him look more sinister, although he doesn't need any help. He looks completely crazed when he goes after Shanks in the underground tunnels.

Released - July 29, 2003

Character - Dave "Percy" Sledge

Accents - English (Cockney)

Good guy or bad boy? - Evil sledgehammer-wielding maniac

Bastard rating - 12 out of 10 (like an angry, singing and dancing Pat Keegan on crack)

Blood & Bullets - Lots. And Percy shoots a kid. The bastard. After the kid's hairless, mutant dog thingee attacks him. Guns, knives and a 'lovely big sledgehammer.' Rated 'R.'

Costumes - Black. Suit and mock turtleneck. Shiny black shoes. Black gloves.

Pinky Ring? - Yes!

Hair - Short. Very nice.

Other cast - Max Beesley as Billy, Tom Bell as Shanks

Squidge factor - 9 (because of the dancing). Let's just say I sat there with my mouth hanging open like a complete moron. He actually managed to surprise me once again. The man can really dance. He didn't convince me in "The Tuxedo," but there's no doubt about it here. Good gawd, sparks even fly from his shoes. There's a wonderful high kick, a great twirl, and hip thrusts. Very impressive. Especially the hip thrusts. * He lip synchs "I've Got You Under My Skin" (Frank Sinatra), and "When a Man Loves a Woman" (Percy Sledge). And he really gets into it. The hand movements are great. * There's head cocking, eyebrow-lifting, a wink and a kiss. My feelings were pretty much echoed in the faces of the women watching him perform in the film. Big eyes, glazed expressions, slack jaws. * There's no coffee, but he keeps his hands busy. There are snapping fingers, drinks, a microphone and the sledgehammer of course. And man, can he swing a hammer! * There's also smoking. Only Jason can make smoking look sexy to me. And that's saying a lot. Especially the close-up in the end credits when he slowly inhales, looks right at the camera, smiles and raises his eyebrows a tad. Yikes. That's a killer shot.

Death - Nope, he's the 'next big thing'

Favorites Quotes - After jamming his microphone between the woman's legs, "I'll be back for that. Keep it warm." * "Put the fucking kettle on! Percy's here."

Video/DVD - Buy it. It's worth it to see him 'sing' and dance. And there's lots of extras. The DVD is very well done. Graphically interesting. He's in scenes 7, 21 & 22 and the end credits. As well as many of the extra bits.